Can't Stop, Won't Stop

#4

I've never had this kind of thought before in my life, you know.
Thinking about to change myself so other people will like me. That's not me at all.
I tried to figure something out, something that will make me look better.
I started to hate my hair, and my leather jacket because they make me look like a boy.
I'm tired of being thought as a guy. I like my simple and comfy style but i look like a guy.
Makes me sad sometimes.
I've been thinking to change my style a little bit. But i don't want other people to judge me and start to tell me that i'm changed.

I'm sad.
No guys ever talked to me first because i'm not as attractive as other girls who has their own style.
I started to think that maybe i'm a guy or a lesbian in their head, and it bothers me.
I get jealous of my friends sometimes. often times. when i know I'm not supposed to be jealous.
I started to hate my own skin. and i don't want this to happen.

Well, i wanna look pretty too.
But, i started to hate my smile at the same time.

#3

"You just know
Sometimes you feel it in your bones
Though we've heard that hearts can still be wrong
Something's telling me that you're the one."

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My feeling for him grows from time to time.
However, my hope towards him diminishes slowly.

I think, all of this is just.. a stupid dream of mine.

Well, he is a shooting star.
He is bright, lovely, famous, kind, funny, and talented. 
I've been looking for someone like him all my life.

Me? 
I'm no one. 
I'm just a girl from a small city in Indonesia who's too afraid to talk to people, 
who don't have a lot of friends, and who spend most of her time to study.
Yes, you're right. I am a 'Geek'. I'm a pop culture freak, movie buff, and a bathroom singer.
I also have buck teeth, short-black-bowl-type-of-hair, 'pug' nose, and flat chest. Yea.

Me and him walking together?

I can't imagine that. Honestly. 

I'm not the kind of girl that a guy wanna be with, you know.

I'm an introvert who never went to a party. I don' drink or go to clubs.

I don't dress like other girls here in Seattle. They wear pretty dresses, clothes, jewels, but i don't really comfortable with those kind of stuff. So, i dress in my own simple way. Tomboy-ish style. T-shirts and jeans, sneakers or boots, not dresses or tanks nor heels and flats. 

I don't do make up too. Honestly, i can't and i don't have any.

So yes. Maybe that's the reason why i've never been in a relationship before.

So, i think a guy like him deserves someone better than me. Someone who makes him happy, someone who will stand next to him with her pretty dress at every event that he attends, someone who smiles with him on red carpet pictures without worrying about the way her teeth tries to crawl out from her mouth like me, someone who knows how to have fun and happy to go with him to the after party without being the queen of awkward like me. The most important thing is that he needs someone who always makes him smile because he always makes me smile. 

My point is:

Maybe he is the right one for me, but i'm not the right one for him.

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"Everybody's tryna be a billionaire,
But every time I look at you I just don't care.
'Cause all I wanna be, all I ever wanna be is somebody to you."

#2

Me?
I'm 18. Indonesian.
Wear black full-frame glasses.
Around 170 cm and 50 Kg.
Single.

Him?
He's 25. Welsh.
Around 173 cm.
Good looking. Famous.
Single.

Me and him?
Oh, just forget it.

We are 4,627 mi apart from each other, and i don't even know anything about him. I can't tell anyone about this because i feel so stupid and i'm 100% sure people will laugh at me and think that i'm not serious about this. I KNOW, that i never talk or even meet him before. But believe me, i really really like him. I really do. I like him too much until i feel really sad because of it. Why i like him? Because from all i know, he is a really nice person. Humble, funny, friendly, fun, and he is just the type of guy that i like. I barely like a guy in my life. No one ever impress me like the way he does. But still.. i don't know him at all. Maybe i just made all of those reasons up.
Well. He is famous now. Soon, everyone will know about him and talk about him. His twitter followers grow in seconds. Girls from all over the worlds can date him anytime and anywhere. But my prayer at night is still the same. I'm hoping for a hopeless chance to meet and know him.

Last week, i had this really really strong feeling that he would notice me somehow. I fell something connected between us for once in my life even though i've never met him before. So, i came up with a crazy idea of making him a drawing, and mention the drawing to him. I didn't care and think about the fact that he would get hundreds of mention come to him in a minute. So i made this drawing of him and i finished it around 12:30 AM. I checked Welsh time and i found out that they are 8 hours ahead from Seattle - it means, it's already 8:30 AM when i finished my drawing. I mentioned it to him via twitter at that time. Nothing. I deleted it and mentioned him again a few minutes after. Still nothing. I did that 3-4 times, and i still got nothing. So, i decided to go to sleep and before that, i prayed to God that He would help me to get the reply when i open my phone in the morning. I had trouble sleeping because my heart beat so fast and my hope was so high.

I woke up early, around 8 AM. I quickly checked my phone with excitement and... Nope. Nothing.. I couldn't lie that i'm really sad and disappointed. I checked his twitter and i knew for sure that he was online a few hours before, but he didn't see my drawing. Or maybe he did. He just didn't want to do anything about it.

I couldn't do anything about it because i do NOT know when would he open his twitter, when he was in the mood of replying his fans, and i did not know that he was online or nah. I tried to convince myself that it was impossible to get a 'like' or 'comment' from him. Too many people. the number of followers in his account scares me. However, i still had that strong feeling. I could feel that in my chest. so, I prayed to God one more time, changed 'i love you' word from the last tweet and pressed 'sent' again. I said to myself, "well, this is gonna be the last try from me." I locked my phone and close my eyes for a few minutes before i checked my phone again. "Okay, this is the time to check my phone." As soon as i click my phone on, i got a notification from twitter. it said, "@***** favorited your tweet." I was shocked. I didn't believe what i saw, so  opened my twitter to make sure it was really him.
I swear to God that was the best feeling i've ever had in my life. I jumped, i screamed, i smiled, i cried soooo hard, and of course thanked God for that chance. I couldn't help myself at that time. It felt really amazing. "He saw it.. He noticed me. HE SAW IT!!!" Oh yes.

#1

Damn! I hate myself.

It's 10:44 PM and i'm tapping my fingers on the keyboard of my laptop. I have so much to say but i don't know how to put them in words. It's weird. really. because i can hear all of the voice in my head but i don't know how to arrange them, so i ended up asking myself if i'm confused? or mad? or too happy until i'm speechless? or what? sad? overwhelmed? Well, let's just say all those are my answers. First, i'm confused. why? because i don't even know why i feel this way. second, i'm mad. why? because i don't want to accept the reality. too happy? why? he knows i'm exist in this world. sad? because i don't think he will ever remember me. Overwhelmed? i cried so hard yesterday and i feel so stupid because i do not know what the heck is going on with me.

Okay.. let me start from the beginning. I went to a movie, that i don't even remember its name. I came early so i had to sit inside the theatre and waited for the movie to start by watched all of the trailers. Bunch of trailers were played, but there was one, and only one that i remember until now. I do not only remember the scenes, but i also remember the feeling. the feeling that i felt when i saw that. From that second i said to myself that i'm gonna watch that movie no matter what happen. so 2 weeks ago, i went to see this movie.

Mind blown. yes. I couldn't think clear when i came out from the theatre. 1 hour passed, i checked the movie on imdb and started to rewind my memory and imagined the scenes in my head. 1 day passed, i told my host family that the movie was amazing. 3 days passed, i told my friend that i wanted to watch it again. 7 days passed, i planned to spend my free ticket pass to watch the movie again. Damn. what's wrong with me? i've never felt like this before. or maybe i did. i don't know. i feel so obsessed. but with what? i don't even like a few parts from the movie because i think it's too much. but but but why i want to watch it all over again??

***

so, there's a guy. well, i cannot lie that from the first time i saw him i told myself that he is a good looking person. he wore a white cap, black-yellow hoodie, jeans, and white shoes. how can i forget that? from his style, all i could see was a bad boy. a rebel, naughty boy, and a player. Woah, those are the summarise of things that i don't like from a guy. after a few weeks, i saw him again. he looks different at that time. He looks strong and invincible. after a few months, i found out his name. I found out his age and i started to check him out. and now i can't stop thinking about him. what an irony. he controls my mind every heartbeat, every second, every minute, every hour, days, weeks, unbelievable. when i first saw him, i made a web, to keep him away from me. but now, i'm trapped with my own web. all i think about is to catch him and pull him closer.

I dont understand.
what are these feelings?

So, i asked these questions to myself and for once i finally know my answer.


1. Do i know him? No.

2. Do i care? Yes.