Wednesday, February 25, 2015

#1

Damn! I hate myself.

It's 10:44 PM and i'm tapping my fingers on the keyboard of my laptop. I have so much to say but i don't know how to put them in words. It's weird. really. because i can hear all of the voice in my head but i don't know how to arrange them, so i ended up asking myself if i'm confused? or mad? or too happy until i'm speechless? or what? sad? overwhelmed? Well, let's just say all those are my answers. First, i'm confused. why? because i don't even know why i feel this way. second, i'm mad. why? because i don't want to accept the reality. too happy? why? he knows i'm exist in this world. sad? because i don't think he will ever remember me. Overwhelmed? i cried so hard yesterday and i feel so stupid because i do not know what the heck is going on with me.

Okay.. let me start from the beginning. I went to a movie, that i don't even remember its name. I came early so i had to sit inside the theatre and waited for the movie to start by watched all of the trailers. Bunch of trailers were played, but there was one, and only one that i remember until now. I do not only remember the scenes, but i also remember the feeling. the feeling that i felt when i saw that. From that second i said to myself that i'm gonna watch that movie no matter what happen. so 2 weeks ago, i went to see this movie.

Mind blown. yes. I couldn't think clear when i came out from the theatre. 1 hour passed, i checked the movie on imdb and started to rewind my memory and imagined the scenes in my head. 1 day passed, i told my host family that the movie was amazing. 3 days passed, i told my friend that i wanted to watch it again. 7 days passed, i planned to spend my free ticket pass to watch the movie again. Damn. what's wrong with me? i've never felt like this before. or maybe i did. i don't know. i feel so obsessed. but with what? i don't even like a few parts from the movie because i think it's too much. but but but why i want to watch it all over again??

***

so, there's a guy. well, i cannot lie that from the first time i saw him i told myself that he is a good looking person. he wore a white cap, black-yellow hoodie, jeans, and white shoes. how can i forget that? from his style, all i could see was a bad boy. a rebel, naughty boy, and a player. Woah, those are the summarise of things that i don't like from a guy. after a few weeks, i saw him again. he looks different at that time. He looks strong and invincible. after a few months, i found out his name. I found out his age and i started to check him out. and now i can't stop thinking about him. what an irony. he controls my mind every heartbeat, every second, every minute, every hour, days, weeks, unbelievable. when i first saw him, i made a web, to keep him away from me. but now, i'm trapped with my own web. all i think about is to catch him and pull him closer.

I dont understand.
what are these feelings?

So, i asked these questions to myself and for once i finally know my answer.


1. Do i know him? No.

2. Do i care? Yes.

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